@kaliiibratiiion that was God's idea

Baptism is so fucking funny dude. "Yeah let me just dip this baby one time? Yo let me dunk your child real quick one time?" Whose idea was that

Literally every time I switch accounts, Twitter defaults me back to "see top tweets first." Maybe this site IS actually dying.

https://t.co/4YVp5ocB2n https://t.co/WK4FYw4T3w

https://t.co/C8isz4nRBo

Giggles has been helping me a lot with chores lately. When I take out the trash, he helpfully bites the bag. When I change the litter, he helpfully stands in the litterbox. I think I'll change his official job title to Chief Operations Officer Giggles.

it makes me go instantly insane seeing the Dawn advert where it's someone cleaning oil spill-stricken ducks with it

When a chimpanzee or other ape "smiles" 9 out of 10 times they're actually showing their teeth as a threat. But capuchins can smile like a human... they do little happy grins... My heart can't take this. The information is too much for me

https://t.co/10chqx2mlV https://t.co/BaagvaWjFZ

Sent this to the family groupchat and they completely ignored it https://t.co/U3WdaWQike

my sleepy ass could never work at a mattress store

Our podcast is back after being on break plz follow the twitter and spotify to see when the episode comes out (this weekend) https://t.co/Vd6erkSlIF https://t.co/XMweaca34n

I'm a short-termist. I believe in doing all the same stuff the longtermists want, but without the elaborate rationalizations. Plz give me drugs

Is there a term for pretending a certain policy/ideology controls things when they don't, and then declaring the failure of that policy/ideology? If there isn't, we need a term for it, because it's nonstop (defunding police resulted in crime! Socialists ruined SF! Etc.)

I made a game on stream where every time there's a whipcrack in Johnny Test, I took a drink. The episode was only 11 minutes. I drank 230 times. https://t.co/mutj3szqVt

middle class child roll call lol https://t.co/KUHLTvkMIX

Come join us in industry city on Thursday to geek out on SEO careers:

Thanks to @blackqueeriroh and @holopollock for a very special episode of Overtired this week. https://t.co/rRBEVb67ei

its @getdizzzy time https://t.co/xfFDvDCJ4e

I’ve fallen in love and her name is TypeScript.

Ferrite 3 is coming soon! Ferrite 3 is a major update to the popular iOS podcasting app, with a refreshed look, and it brings some of the most requested features — including 2× audio preview, and new tools for organising your Library. https://t.co/fn8WB9zCNF

Speaking with Chris Pratt right now

https://t.co/PNvaUKOjoo

be WaPo's nonfiction book critic! https://t.co/bECBBHQT8l

give me my accounts back mother fucker @elmo

if they're gonna burn the place down the least they could do is give me the gif avatar back to go out with

when very rich people tell you that they work a hundred hours a week or something absurd like that you need to understand they’re counting all the time they spend socializing with other rich people as work

scattered stars a crow is sitting under the heather

Richest guy and stable genius has no clue that basically no business makes so much revenue from subscriptions alone. He's really speedrunning bankruptcy, is he

"New boss wants subscriptions to account for half of revenue" LMAO